Nightly Skincare Routine of the Far Right: A Step-by-Step Guide

“Magical products by the chic and exclusive Saffron Secrets, that will have you radiate with power and poise, achieving the perfect political complexion.”

In the intricate world of politics, where power and posturing are as essential as a good moisturiser, every layer and application affects the overall look and vibe of things. Here’s a cleverly crafted step-by-step guide to the nightly skincare routine of the vibrant orange-hued right, where each step deftly mirrors their sanctimonious approach to reshaping societal norms (and soon, the constitution)—especially vital as we inch closer to the polls. In the high stakes game of elections, just as in skincare, presentation is everything, and timing is key.

This routine not only aims to maintain, but actively enhance the lustrous sheen of authority, ensuring that every public appearance and political rally reflects nothing but radiance, all timed perfectly with the election cycle. Let’s delve into how strategic applications and a little bit of political alchemy can keep the image not just spot-free, but brilliantly persuasive as the voting approaches. 

Step 1: Oil-Based Cleanser – “Erasing Missteps”

  • Instructions: Begin by generously applying an oil-based cleanser to your irreversible follies and watch as your political faux pas and economic gaffes dissolve faster than your promises. Use circular motions to massage the product into the fabric of society, ensuring any lingering memories of economic disruption or mismanagement are effectively wiped clean. Saffron Secrets’ expert stylists say that this step leaves behind a selectively cleansed slate, ready for fresh propaganda from the Supreme Leader. 

Step 2: Water-Based Cleanser – “Purifying the Nation”

  • Instructions: Lather up with a water-based cleanser to meticulously remove any residual opposition. Amplify the narrative of external threats—be it through contentious border skirmishes or blaming the opposition for internal failures—to cleanse the nation of dissent and unify under a siege mentality. Get that foam going to bubble away the undesirables. Whether it’s dissenting students or pesky free-thinkers, make sure you cleanse the national complexion until it’s squeaky clean and right-leaning. Don’t forego the crucial step of buying out the mainstream media through a pair of Gujarati tycoons.  Remember, a flawless regime starts with flawless propaganda!

Step 3: Toner – “Setting the Foundation”

  • Instructions: Soak a nationalist cotton pad with toner to firm up your control. It’s like yoga for your governance, maintaining flexibility while ensuring everyone knows who’s boss. This recent “tonic” could involve revising historical textbooks to enhance a nationalist agenda or manipulating digital media laws to curb freedom of speech, setting a foundation that’s primed for absorption of centralised ideologies. This step prevents any ideological pores from appearing larger than they should! 

Step 4: Serum – “Infusing Core Ideologies”

  • Instructions: Infuse your societal base with a few potent drops of religious nationalism and sprinkle some revisionist history for that radiant, age-defying look. Tap it in gently across the masses—it’s like Botox for cultural homogeneity!  Despite a colossal mishandling of things and no tangible results, continue to pat these lofty promises into the skin of the body politic, ensuring deep absorption and a diminished visibility of any secular or rational thought.  Remember, words speak much louder than actions!

Step 5: Spot Treatment – “Focusing on the Margins”

  • Instructions: Target specific problem areas such as the rights of marginalised communities with a precision applicator. This treatment involves strategic laws and policies that ensure these “blemishes” don’t disturb the illusion of a homogeneous societal complexion. Pimples like upright journalists or activists must be eventually erased; remember, a spot-free society is a spot-on society!

Step 6: Eye Cream – “Narrowing the Worldview”

  • Instructions: Apply a generous amount of nationalistic eye cream to blur out any unpleasant global perspectives. Focus on internal narratives and make sure the populace keeps their eyes on the domestic prize. Who needs broad views when you’ve got sharp tactics? This product helps focus on nationalist pride, essential for fostering a deep-seated xenophobia and legal immunity to hate speeches. 

Step 7: Moisturizer – “Sealing in the Hate”

  • Instructions: Finish off with a heavy moisturiser. This layer seals in the divisive rhetoric with a dense layer of intolerance, particularly towards minority communities. Use recent legislative changes and judicial manipulations to ensure the nation’s exterior remains tough and impenetrable to criticism or external influence. Saffron Secrets’ experts proudly testify that dictatorship is the solution to all dermatological problems.

Bonus Step : Beard Care and SPF (Supreme Power Fortification)

  • Instructions Before stepping out into the harsh reality of global scrutiny, don’t forget to slather on a thick layer of SPF (Supreme Power Fortification). It helps deflect international criticism and keeps your domestic control looking fresh. The supreme leader likes beard care, so make sure you rub some oil into your clean shaven chin too! 

End your day by looking in the mirror and admiring the glow of absolute power—nothing says “healthy complexion” like a uniformly controlled, rigorously managed society. Pat yourself on the back, because in the world of far-right skincare, you’re not just maintaining appearances; you’re setting a trend!  This routine is about enhancing the innocent beauty of power hungry derma care—it’s about reshaping and recolouring the national complexion to reflect an image that’s completely natural. Each step builds upon the last, ensuring that the ideology is not just maintained but deeply ingrained, altering the very essence of the canvas.

Following these steps, Saffron Secrets promises a facade of national rejuvenation while they remain the only skincare brand on the market. It’s a win-win!

ALMA Staff
ALMA Staff

Our mascot writes all ALMA Staff pieces. ORI is whimsical and unpredictable; we've tried being friends with him and failed.