On Tuesday afternoon, in a sparsely occupied Denny’s, Joe Biden, former vice-president of Drone-y McPeacePrize, was spotted taking in the All-American scent of hamburgers large enough to feed a family of four with a fervour he usually reserves for the sniffing of those below the age of sixteen, or, “the ripest of youths”, as he calls it. Suddenly but never swiftly, he got up onto his seat and cleared his throat loudly and began to speak. Unfortunately, we have no information about his initial mumblings as the few patrons that occupied the restaurant assumed he was just some crazy, old white man making a desperate plea for attention. However, once they realised he was a crazy, old white man making a desperate plea for attention named Joe Biden, a few brave citizen journalists made the effort of recording this rare public statement. We owe the following transcript to these brave patriots who risked their lives during a pandemic to eat mediocre French fries. Is stupidity the greatest expression of freedom? This is not an opinion piece, and I am not an American, so let’s leave that for next time.
“Now, listen here, Jack, I’m saying something. I’m proud to be standing here, in the halls of this great American institution, as your next president. Your first president. I mean, your first non-racist president—no, I mean—“
An equally shrivelled-up man sitting next to Biden gets up and whispers something in his ear.
“Yes, yes, like I was saying, I’m your first non-racist president after Trump. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I bet you like that, don’t you? None of our presidents do. Except Trump. Sure, there were a couple of slave-owners but, mark my words, Jack, they never said a darn thing against the blacks. The blacks know that, too. I know blacks. Obama’s my friend. Obama was black.”
Biden looks a little uncertain. He exchanges a few words with the man standing beside him.
“Yes, Obama is black, definitely. I met this young lady the other day, she had a black boyfriend. I like that. I told her, yes I did, that I love young girls and I love blacks. In fact, I made our great nation a lot safer for young girls. I told her that. The 1994 Crime Bill is all me, baby. Yeah, I put a bunch of cops on the street and got them to clean out the ghettos. And the blacks are all better off now ‘cause we got rid of the crap ones.”
“And yeah, I know there’s something going on these days. Nobody knows what it is. But, mark my words, Jack, something’s going on. With the black ones. With the normal ones. All of ‘em. I thought, this isn’t right, is it? They’re shooting these kids in the face. I like my face. Never wanna be shot in the face. So, I took a stand, because that’s the kind of man I am. I said, yes, I did: ‘shoot ‘em in the legs’. Because, I thought about it, and I don’t really see why anyone likes legs. They just get in the way. If I could live in a wheelchair, I’d do it. I’m so tired just standing here. Sometimes, I think, it’s so hard to stand straight, I must not have a spine!”
Biden chuckles at his witticism, baring his glistening, white teeth.
“But something’s going on. And I’m gonna do something about it. My first act as president will shake things right up. You wanna know what it’ll be? Ice cream day. Every day. I think it’s important for the nation to come together and heal because, if you think about it, we’ve all been hurt by those horrible little accidents by our men in blue. So, I propose ice-cream. For everyone. For-ever.”
Biden looks around for a while in search of a little girl to kiss. He can’t find one and is a little disappointed.
“Now, I don’t see a lot of women have turned up for this rally. And I think I know why. It’s ‘cause of that darn Tara Reade girl. Or maybe it’s the other one? I don’t really know. What I do know is that all women are entitled to their truth. We gotta respect that. They can say just about anything they want. And I really respect that. And some of my supporters have said that I didn’t do it. But we can’t say that. We just gotta respect it. And I respect women even when I stick my fingers into them. I don’t mean I stuck my fingers in anyone but, I mean, if I did, I would do so respectfully. And that’s what’s important here. And I’m so glad that so many of our brave liberal men and women agree with me, and I thank them, and you all, for voting blue, no matter who.”
At this point one of the brave citizen journalists—a black man—had had enough and decided to help ol’ Joe out.
“Hey man, I didn’t vote for you. The elections haven’t even—“
The man stopped abruptly as something changed in Joe Biden’s expression. His face contorted into a monstrous grimace as he looked the man up and down.
“But… but… you’re black. And if you people don’t vote for me… don’t you know… what’ll happen?”
Saliva began to dribble down Biden’s chin. The man standing next to him simply assumed it was nap time. Biden’s eyes, however, grew wider and wilder. They began to glow an eerie blue. Wind began to blow through his hair. Biden’s stare pierced into the one who dares to not vote blue, no matter who. Electoral politics are, of course, the only path to change. And this man, clearly not a Trump supporter, was showing the audacity to think beyond picking the lesser of two evils. Biden rose, suddenly but never swiftly, a few feet above the ground. He raised his finger at the man.
“You… ain’t… black.”
A bolt of electric blue flew out of his fingers and the man dropped to his knees, screaming in agony, as the melanin began to be stripped from his skin. Losing colour by the second, turning cream, cracker white, he began to beg.
“No, Joe! No, please, Joe!”
There was no one left to cover the aftermath of this event. We suspect that Joe Biden, after spending a lifetime in politics, went back to eating hamburgers, still waiting for his first chance to make a change.