2 cups of caution
¼ teaspoon of Unrefined Opinion Oil
13.5 ml of water
50g of all-purpose butter
1 tablespoon of sugar-coating per Twitter follower
½ gram of whatever your topic is
½ tablespoon of edginess for good measure
¼ kilogram of generic platitudes
First heat the topic in a well-insulated apolitical pot. Pick one that can handle the utter lack of controversy.
Mix the caution with the butter and water, then add to the pot (although the water and butter can be substituted for literally anything).
While the topic is still heating (remember, too much and it will be politicised), chop up your generic platitudes and add them to the topic. Our personal favourite is “thoughts and prayers [insert praying emoji]”.
Bring to a simmer. It should now look like a Vague Celebrity Apology.
Add the Unrefined Opinion Oil to keep things interesting. If this is not enough, ½ a tablespoon of Edginess will make it look controversial enough to be noticed.
Stir gently, until the Opinion and Edginess have dissolved into the gravy. If any Opinion rises to the surface, you may have to remove it with a strainer.
Make sure not to hashtag, name or cancel anything in the pot. This may affect the taste and perception of the stew.
Cook until half-baked.
When you think the stew is ready, add a bag or six of sugar-coating just to be safe.
Serve to social media per your convenience; apolitical topics aren’t time-bound.
And there you have it! A delicious stew for the enjoyment of friends and family, with no risk of offending them.
Our mascot writes all ALMA Staff pieces. ORI is whimsical and unpredictable; we’ve tried being friends with him and failed.